What problems am I facing today?

Around a year ago I realised that I’m Bisexual and also started questioning my gender. Now I am very certain I’m a trans female. I have recently came out to 11 people as bi and 2 as trans (None of which is part of my family). Considering that as far I’m aware most people aren’t so chill with LGBTQ+ here I am very proud of that number. Although most of my family issues are now gone, and I have reconnected with my amazing half-sister I still find myself lonelier than ever.

Me as a transgender

Now I have found myself very isolated with the rest of my friends since I realised I’m trans. I don’t feel like I belong with the guys anymore but I don’t feel the like girls would accept me since I don’t look like one. I would start to change my appearance however I am terrified of the thought I won’t be accepted by my mom and others. I have managed in the past year find 2 people that I can trust and told them about this. They accepted me for who I am however there wasn’t much they could’ve done to help the situation. In fact one of them is causing another problem. I have a habit of getting attracted to people easily. I found myself wanting to in the presence of one of this people. We will call her ”Charlotte”. Charlotte has been very supportive and I honestly don’t know where I would be without her. I always wanted to be around her. At first I was telling myself it’s only because I feel safe around her since she knew a lot about me. However I’m starting dread the fact that I might be romantically attracted. There are a plethora of reasons why that would be a bad thing. 1. She knows I’m trans and she is straight. 2. She’s taken. 3. I’m afraid I might do something stupid and lose a close friend who has helped me a lot recently. I have never had luck with relationships (Never had one) and now I’m just trying to avoid them until I don’t become my desired gender.

A ”little bit” on who I am

I’m ”Sarah”. I’m using this as my online name for the sake of privacy. I am a transgender female, however only 2 other people know that as of writing this. I have had (and still having) a few challenges in my life and I needed a place to vent.

I take privacy very seriously so a lot of info will be a bit vague. My mom is from an Islamic country while my dad is from Europe. He had a family before he moved to ”the country my mom is from”. He died when I was 2 and a few years later we moved to ”The European country where he was from”. We moved to the capital where we met a man who was our neighbour who we shall refer to as ”Brann”. After a few months of getting to know each other my mom decided to move with him and sooner or later I had a brother. I went to school for 4 and a half years and then this is where things get a bit complicated.

When my father died he left a house in a village he used to live in near the city where his old family is from. He gave 4 shares to each of his children (3 from his old family + me) and 1 share to my mom. We were not doing well on money so they decided to make this apartment rent-able and move to that house ”temporarily”. My mom wanted to buy of the 3 shares under my name but I was too young and she was not yet a citizen. She trusted Brann to buy of these shares and after 2 years of renovating that house we moved there. It was supposed to be only for a year or 2 but it ended up lasting a lot longer. After a year of living there they had another child and a few years later after a heated argument where he may or may have not hit her, they split up. He moved to where ever he lives now (I’m not interested about what he does now) we kept the house. However he still owned 3 shares of it and refused to give it to me. It has been resolved around April 2019 (After 1 and a half years). tl;dr After dad died and a series of bad choices we live in a village